for Jesse

Deccember 5, 2001; c.11:30 pm - update:
This is now exaclty from the original which I found today;
it was undated, though I know now by context that it was
written c.mid-September, 1985.

My darling child,

We have not yet met, but already I love you.

I've felt you move in joyous celebration of life within my womb, and each time I rejoice in your conception.

A new life, so tiny, so fragile, so indescribably precious, is growing within me. My body nutures yours, and how proud I am to feel you grow strong and healthy, proud that God has entrusted me with this very special burden. It is truly a burden of love.

Such an innocent, trusting creature, you have no idea, as yet of who you are or why you are, you only know that you are. Safe, warm, quiet, save for the steady thump of my heart, of my lungs in their rhythm, your world is so secure at this moment. I know you feel my love for you. When I touch you, you move toward my probing fingers as if anxious to show that you, too, love me. I believe so without question.

In less than two months*, before the first snow dusts the frozen earth and the last brilliant leaf falls from its glorious heights, you will be born. Your safe, quiet world will become filled with turmoil and my womb will begin you on your journey away from me. For never again will your body live within mine, close to my heart; safe, protected from all the pain and fear and sorrow you must, unavoidably, encounter in life. You will be thrust from your haven of warmth and begin a journey pain and sorrow, only, I pray, at leaving your warm haven; and fear of the change that has overcome you like a tidal wave.

I will be here, my darling child. My arms will hold and comfort you; my lips will kiss you tenderly, my breasts give you sustenance. When the cord that binds us is cut, you and I will embark on seperate journies, yet we will always be togther. We will be seperated by our flesh, our personhood, and by the different paths we must tread. Yet our love, and bond of our blood, will forever join us.

Every day with you now is precious, and every moment I will selfishly cherish. Yet eagerly I await the day of our parting, and that miraculous moment when I touch your hand.

December 5, 2001, nearly 4:00 am

I remember the day I wrote that letter. I was sitting in my rocking chair near the window. It was a couple of months before you were born, and autumn was new. You were quiet, probably asleep. Though I don't have the letter in front of me at this moment, I believe I've reproduced the words almost exactly. I read this letter so many times over the years that I came to nearly -- but not quite -- memorize it. (11:30 pm 12/5/01 - see update, above.) I always read it, of course, on your birthday.

You were born on a Thursday, at exactly four o'clock in the morning, the easiest labor of all my children. You were big! -- nine pounds, nine ounces. The day you were born, when you were about four hours old, it snowed for the first time, just a faint dusting. I held you near the window and pointed to the snow and said, "You see? I was right in that letter. You were born before the first snow dusted the frozen earth." You didn't seem very impressed, but then you were probably sleeping. *smile*

I wish our paths could have been near each other through this forest of life, but I know I made the right decision for you sixteen years ago. I know you've walked straight and tall along your life's path, and I know I chose your guides well. In fact, I believe with all my heart that I was given divine guidance in the choosing, and that you were meant to be together. (12/5/01 11:30 pm - I want to also say that your guides [parents] are extraordinary, wonderful people who I was drawn to just by the description I was given; when I met them, my connection to them felt very strong; I somehow "knew" you were destined to be together. Ask your Mom about "F-SON-D" :)

I love you, with all my heart, as I love all my children, and you are my son as sure as your brothers are, if no longer by law, then surely by love. My love for you was born the moment I felt you move within me, and it has grown only stronger through the years. Now, today, on your 16th birthday, I wanted you to know how much you have been loved all these years, quietly and from afar, and how proud I am of the young man you have become.